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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`