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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell