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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
Does this couch Iām laying on make me look unmotivated?
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."