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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
Do you really have to breath that much?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.