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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.