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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.