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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.