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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing