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According to my nipples, summer is over
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.