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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.