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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...