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take me drunk i`m home
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."