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A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
I have Beer.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned