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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.