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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.