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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC