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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
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