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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.