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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.