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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
My mom says I`m special.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.