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I miss the life I planned in my head.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.