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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”