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I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Hey, chicks who have words tattooed on your tits... We didn`t come here to read.