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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.