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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Mondays are middle finger approved
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.