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I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.