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Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.