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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Trust me, I am a liar.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."