Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.