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Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?