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People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Better late than pregnant.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.