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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
With my background and genetics, you guys should be happy I am half as normal as I am.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.