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Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
I`m going to hell in every religion!
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.