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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.