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I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.