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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.