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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Clapping: Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else`s accomplishments.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels