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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!