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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.