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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but Iād like to think a beer is the way to go.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.