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If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Gym update: not there
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”