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When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...