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RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.