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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!