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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.