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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.