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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I just ran a .003048K
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.