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I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Running behind is my cardio.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......