Daily Silly Status

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.

Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.

I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!

There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.

My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.

I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.

I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes

Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.

The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.

You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on