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Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.