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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.