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I cannot even begin to imagine the conversation that led to the first circumcision.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I am the bestest at the English language...
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.