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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.