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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.