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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
My girlfriend JUST spent the ENTIRE day arguing that she isn`t stubborn.. :|
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Rough day! I have now completed the top 6 things off my to-do list ... Time to go get another six pack I guess.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.