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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.