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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.