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Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?