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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.