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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.