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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
hmm ... I wonder what I´m thinking?
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.