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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Be good ... or I will text Santa
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.