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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..