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if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.