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So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.