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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.