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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.