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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
I think, therefore i`m single.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
This status has been censored by Facebook
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.