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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.