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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.