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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Iām the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?