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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
I have an awesome idea, but first I`ll need a zebra, bungee cords, jello, and a partner in crime. Any takers?
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.