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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.