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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Three weeks without a signal typo!
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.