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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.