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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.