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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.