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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I have been delaying my computer updates an hour for the past 3 years.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."