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This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Warning: I just get weirder.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.